Bhai Ka Resume

Bhai Ka Resume

Pakya Bhai Supariwala

Objective:
To obtain a challenging position as a Crime Implementation Analyst (CIA)

Education:
* B.S. (Crime Technology) Tihar Jail, India, August 1994
* M.S. (Criminal Sciences) Virginia Prison for International Smugglers and
the Unlawful Activists(VPISUA), August 1996.

Thesis:
"On escaping from high security prisons like Alcatraz with minimal efforts"

Coursework:
Cop Psychology, Plastic Explosives Technology, Bomb Controls and Timer
Device Theory, International Smuggling and Drug Trafficking, Object Oriented
Crime Design

Work Experience:
* Research Assistant, LTTE Labs, Jaffna, Aug 1990-Aug 1991
* Worked on the prestigious Belt Bomb project
* Developed instant death cyanide capsules in orange, strawberry; and mint
flavors (Patent# 007,13,666)

Summer Internship:
* Dawood Ibrahim and Haji Mastan Associates, Bombay, June1987-July1990
* Worked as a hitman and was responsible for many supari style killings
* Participated in election rigging in Bihar and made hafta Collections

Honors & Achievements:
* Won 1980 Gabbar Singh Memorial Award (given to child prodigies in crime)
* Member, IPKF (Indian Professional Killers Forum) student chapter
* Performer of the year in 2004 General Elections in Bihar & U.P.
* Strong hold on Govt. & NGOs.
* Specialized in extortion,illegal construction business & fake academic
degree supply.

References:
* Dr. Charles Sobhraj, Full Time Prof., Tihar Jail, New Delhi
* Dr. Chandra Swamy, Visiting Faculty Tihar Jail, New Delhi
* Dr. D...... I...., Overseas Projects Manager, Dubai

Fed up with ur Boss

HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it " Boss "
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?HAVE A NICE DAY

Leave Certificate

Certified that Mr./Miss _________________ , working in your organization, is suffering from 'time-bound' illness. Due to this, he/she will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week.
Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems. The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.
It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as "Come over weekend..", "Let's work on holiday..", "Leave cannot be granted.." etc. which can directly lead to heart strokes.In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.
Sd/-Dr. Impatient

Few Kewl SMS

1) Y do people prefer football over cricket ?
They rather watch Brazil win n see females go topless than see india win n see Ganguly takng out his shirt !
2) Kisi ko kisi ki judai maar gayi. Kisi ko zindagi ki tanhai maar gayi. Ravan bhi bura aadmi nahin tha doston, use to Ram ki lugai maar gayi..
3) Ye badal ye bijli sirf apke liye hai, Ye mausam ye hawa sirf apke liye hai, 6 mahine bit gaye apko nahye hue, Ye barish yeh boonde sirf apke liye hai.
4) Janaza agar unke dar se guzre to thodi der rukwa dena,hath uthe agar duao ke liye to chahere se kafan hata dena ,aur vajah puche maut ki to sensex bata dena.
5) Santa :- Yaar tune apni Biwi ko Talaak kyo diya? Sardar :Yaar woh badi character less thi.Shaadi mujhse ki aur Baccha Bhagwan se mangti thi.
6) When i miss u, i read your sms. when i want 2 c u, i close my eyes. Andwhen i want 2 hear u,i throw a STONEover a DOG.
7) Maine tumko Phone kiya to netwrk bola,Namskar!paglo ki duniya me apka swagat hai,Aapko jinse baat krni hai unka DIMAAG abhi SWITCH 0FF hai
8) Girl:I wanna a responsible man as a husband.Man replies:Dat's me,whenever anyone is pregnant in my neighbourhood,they say I m responsible!
9) Rat bahot ho chuki hai... ?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
? ? ? ? ? ? key pad dabane se subha nahi hogi. chupchap so jao. Gud nite.
10) Imagine life without me...Khali khali hai na? AJI HUM CHEEZ HI AISI HAI..

1) Y do people prefer football over cricket ?
They rather watch Brazil win n see females go topless than see india win n see Ganguly takng out his shirt !
2) Kisi ko kisi ki judai maar gayi. Kisi ko zindagi ki tanhai maar gayi. Ravan bhi bura aadmi nahin tha doston, use to Ram ki lugai maar gayi..
3) Ye badal ye bijli sirf apke liye hai, Ye mausam ye hawa sirf apke liye hai, 6 mahine bit gaye apko nahye hue, Ye barish yeh boonde sirf apke liye hai.
4) Janaza agar unke dar se guzre to thodi der rukwa dena,hath uthe agar duao ke liye to chahere se kafan hata dena ,aur vajah puche maut ki to sensex bata dena.
5) Santa :- Yaar tune apni Biwi ko Talaak kyo diya? Sardar :Yaar woh badi character less thi.Shaadi mujhse ki aur Baccha Bhagwan se mangti thi.
6) When i miss u, i read your sms. when i want 2 c u, i close my eyes. Andwhen i want 2 hear u,i throw a STONEover a DOG.
7) Maine tumko Phone kiya to netwrk bola,Namskar!paglo ki duniya me apka swagat hai,Aapko jinse baat krni hai unka DIMAAG abhi SWITCH 0FF hai
8) Girl:I wanna a responsible man as a husband.Man replies:Dat's me,whenever anyone is pregnant in my neighbourhood,they say I m responsible!
9) Rat bahot ho chuki hai... ?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
? ? ? ? ? ? key pad dabane se subha nahi hogi. chupchap so jao. Gud nite.
10) Imagine life without me...Khali khali hai na? AJI HUM CHEEZ HI AISI HAI..

Employee Of the Month

The Best Employee of the Month

Don’t use Mobile in Toilets


I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying :" Hi, how are you?"I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroomBut I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat Embarrassed, " Doin just fine!"And the other guy says: " So what are you up to?"What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking thisIs too bizarre so I say: " Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"At this point im just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear IHear another question. " Can I come over ?"Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I couldJust be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, " No.......I'm a little busy right now !!!"Then I hear guy say nervously....Listen. I'll have to call you back. There's is an idiot in theOther stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Resignation Letter
A Boss looking through his Mail Box was astonished to see a mail from an Employee who was supposed to be busy working at Client side on a critical project. It had the subject -
“TaTa - Bye Bye”.
With the worst premonition he opened the mail and read the content with tremblinghands:-
Dear Sir,It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leavingthe job. The offer was too lucrative and attractive for me to turn down.I had to abscond because I wanted to avoid a scene with the HR and you.I am sorry but I had no choice. The project is working fine. There are only 108 issues pending, out of which only 38% issues are High Priority. Hence I am sure there is noneed to worry about. The next Phase of major enhancements I have been workingupon, have been completed halfway. I am sure the new person who would replaceme would not understand what all I had done so far. Hence, for his and yourconvenience, I have taken care to remove all the work that I had been doing this far for nearly 3 months now. I am sure you will appreciate my insight and “big heart”.I am of course retaining the Originals that I had retrieved for thepurpose of Passport verification with me, considering it as a parting gift fromyou. Of course, I will not pay the bond amount that I owe the company(since I Am breaking the bond). But I will consider this as a parting gift fromour Dear company. I moving out of town since the new company is situated inanother City.Also, I have changed my contact number. So you will not be able to get intouch with me, to congratulate me. But I know your blessings are alwayswith me. Last but not the least. I also have the 7000 Rs entrusted to me by ourcompany’s cultural events group, for the upcoming movie event. I amsure you would have wanted me to keep it with myself as an added bonusfrom our company. I respect you very much, hence your wish is mycommand.I thank you for that in advance, and assure you that I will surely investthem wisely (but not in your company’s stocks of course).Don’t worry sir. I am 2 years experienced now, learning so much fromyour company. So I will surely use this knowledge to write betterprograms for the new company.Someday I’m sure we will meet sometime in the future. If you wish, Iwill surely be glad to give my employee reference for you to apply for a jobin the new company which I am joining
Your faithful employee,S. W. Engineer
At the bottom of the page were the letters “PS”. Hands still trembling,the Boss read:
PS: Dearest Boss, none of the above is true. I’m am still busy workingat client side. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things inlife than my “Request to reconsider my Salary Appraisal” attached withthis mail. Please approve it and call when it is safe for me to come to ourOffice to discuss this. My respect and Best Regards to you!

Rule-1
The Boss is always right.
Rule-2
If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.
Rule-3
Those who work get more work.
Others get pay, perks, and promotions.
Rule-4
Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down".
The more intelligent a person,
The more hardworking a person,
The more committed a person;
The more number of persons are engaged
in pulling that person down.
Rule-5
If you are good, you will get all the work.
If you are really good, you will get out of it.
Rule-6
When the Bosses talk about improving productivity,
They are never talking about themselves.
Rule-7
It doesn't matter what you do,
It only matters what you say you've done
and what you are going to do.
Rule-8
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters
from a kick in the butt.
Rule-9
Don't be irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Rule-10
The more crap you put up with,
The more crap you are going to get.
Rule-11
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit.
No use being a damn fool about it.
Rule-12
When you don't know what to do,
Walk fast and look worried.
Rule-13
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Rule-14
If it weren't for the last minute,
Nothing would get done.
Rule-15
Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous".
Rule-16
No matter how much you do,
You never do enough.
Rule-17
You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work
you are supposed to be doing.
Rule-18
In order to get a promotion,
You need not necessarily know your job.
Rule-19
In order to get a promotion,
You only need to pretend that you know your job.
Rule-20
The last person that quit or was fired will be
held responsible for everything that goes wrong.